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Captain: What did you find on the planet Danseria?
Task Leader: The reports are true. The planet suffers from a steadily declining population.
Captain: What did you do, to solve the problem?
Task Leader: We printed flyers, inviting new people to come to the planet Danseria, and we put those flyers all over the planet.
Captain: What else did you do?
Task Leader: We advertised in the planet's newsletter, inviting people to come try the planet Danseria.
Science Officer: Illogical. The flyers, and the newsletters, will only reach life forms who are already ON the planet Danseria!
Captain: Correct. Throw the Task Force into the brig! We need to come up with a different plan!
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Captain's Log, Square Date 3218 point 4. A new task force was formed to advertise Danseria on OTHER planets. Hopes are high that their efforts will produce good results.
Task Commander: The advertising campaign is complete, and we expect a large influx of new Danserians.
Captain: Well done. When can we expect the new Danserians?
Task Commander: The first two weeks of September. That's the only time of year the planet can accept new Danserians.
Captain: Why are new Danserians allowed only once per year?
Task Commander: That's the way we've ALWAYS done it.
Captain: The "way we've always done it" will produce only the results we've always had! You are demoted to a red-shirt security guard! Lieutenant, open the hailing frequencies.
Lieutenant: Hailing frequencies open.
Captain: THIS IS THE CAPTAIN SPEAKING. Square Fleet commands you to start a new group of Danserians immediately. If you can't find any new Danserians, keep trying again and again, until you do successfully start a new class of Danserians.
Chief Engineer: But Captain, we already asked everybody we know!
Captain: Then you'll have to ask people you DON'T know.
Science Officer: Logical. The estimated aggregate quantity of life forms you DON'T know is astronomically larger than the number of people you DO know. Therefore it is logical to fill a class of Danserians with people you do not already know. A reasonable method of reaching this objective is to advertise.
Captain: Correct. Most people in the galaxy have no idea that Danseria even exists. We can definitely do a better job of getting the word out. Even if the ads produce no results, keep advertising anyway. People must see or hear a message several times before they even realize they have seen or heard it at all.
Science Officer: Indeed. The best way to increase the population of Danseria is to bring in non-Danserians, and to transform them into Danserians.
Captain: Furthermore, after you start a new group of Danserians, whenever they get halfway through the lessons, start another new group, and when THEY get halfway through the lessons, start yet ANOTHER new group, so that new groups are starting all the time, and people can become Danserians all year round. MAKE IT SO.
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Captain's Log, Square Date 3221 point 7. The population of the planet is growing. We are visiting Danseria on a routine check-up mission.
Science Officer: Sensors show a large number of Danserians climbing the planet's mountains, before they are ready for such heights. The inexperienced climbers are falling off the planet.
Captain: Put it on visual.
Ensign: Aye Aye, sir. Clusters of life forms are rushing up Plus Mountain, without having first spent the recommended amount of time on Mainstream Plateau.
Captain: Any speculation as to why this is happening?
Medical Officer: Because callers in the future are gonna wimp out, and teach Zero to Plus, just like callers did in 2002.
Captain: Our mission is to do what's right, whether or not it's easy. Lock the Photon Torpedoes onto the target.
Engineer: Captain! Are we really gonna blow away Plus Mountain?
Captain: Negative. We're gonna blow away a portion of Mainstream Plateau, so that the debris piles up on top of Plus Mountain. This will make Plus Mountain taller, and more difficult to climb. And it will make Mainstream Plateau an easier destination for people to reach.
Engineer: WHY should we do that, Captain?
Captain: Because the CALLERLAB membership approved it, by a very large majority, back in the year 2000. It is fitting and proper to implement a clear majority decision. If anyone in the galaxy has a better plan, they only need to do one thing: get a majority to approve it. Until then, the only proper course is to adhere to the wishes of the majority.
Science Officer: Logical. We can't go around the universe doing things supported by only a few people. If someone invents a better plan, it is reasonable to assume that a majority will support it. It makes infinite sense to implement the wishes of the majority. Even the internet flamers cannot find fault with that strategy.
Captain: Aim the Photon Torpedoes so that the Mainstream Plateau becomes lower, while Plus Mountain becomes higher. FIRE! And keep firing, every two years, until the plan is completed!
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Captain's Log, Square Date 3224 point 3. We are visiting Danseria on another routine check-up mission.
Science Officer: Captain, several people are missing from the planet Danseria.
Captain: Damage report.
Science Officer: Sensors show that Roundulans have raided the planet and have taken away some Danserians.
Captain: Shields up. Yellow Alert.
Engineer: Captain, how can we stop Roundulans from raiding the planet Danseria?
Captain: We can't. As long as there are people on Danseria, Roundulans are gonna raid the planet. And the planet will be raided by other parties as well: Advanserites, Politikarians, Bowlerrians, and the ever-present T-V-ReRundlers.
Science Officer: Captain, sensors show several Roundulan ships, circling our ship.
Captain: Red Alert. Battle Stations everyone. This is not a drill!
Weapons Officer: Captain, what weapon is appropriate to use against the Roundulans?
Captain: Phasers.
Science Officer: Captain, some readers of this story won't understand the joke you just made.
Captains: That's okay, some readers of this story won't pay attention to ANY of the points we're making here.
Science Officer: Sensors show that the Roundulans have left.
Engineer: They'll probably return, just as soon as we graduate another new batch of Danserians.
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Captain's Log, Square Date 3231 point 9. Square Fleet Command reports several ships roaming aimlessly through the galaxy, just kinda floating around, doing nothing.
Science Officer: We're approaching an idle ship.
Captain: Open Hailing Frequencies.
Communications officer: Hailing Frequencies open.
Captain: Attention, idle ship. Please state your purpose.
Idle ship: We have no purpose. We're just floating around the galaxy, not really doing much except complaining about how things today aren't like they used to be.
Captain: Did you EVER have a purpose?
Idle ship: We had a mission years ago, but not any more. We already paid our dues, so today we're letting everyone else do all the work, while we float around the galaxy looking for stray Danserians to bring aboard our ship.
Captain: Let me get this straight. You've "paid your dues", so now you're just coasting through the galaxy, without actually doing anything?
Idle ship: Affirmative.
Captain: If you belong to ANY organization in the universe, and if you stop paying your dues, what happens?
Idle ship: You stop belonging to that organization.
Captain: And do you still expect to belong to Square Fleet, without continuing to pay dues?
Idle ship: Affirmative.
Captain: Transporter Room, beam over the life forms from the idle ship, and take them to Sick Bay, until they realize that you NEVER finish paying your dues.
Nasser "let's make Danseria an overcrowded planet" Shukayr